“What are you doing? It’s re-routing, great! I’m going to be late………”
I snapped at my hubby while my 6 y/o sat in the back eating his breakfast. One of those we are running late breakfasts, a chocolate croissant.
I was scared and this is how it was showing up, until I saw a billboard with TuPac on it and a sign that said Guadalupe highway as we drove down to San Jose.
I was on my way to audition for a play.
If you told me that this is how I would be spending my Saturday morning even just a week earlier, I would not have believed you.
But if you know me, you know I believe in signs, and I follow them. I’ll explain in a minute what these meant to me, but first I want to make it clear, I have never thought about acting.
However I've always had a deep yearning and longing inside of me to be fully expressed.
I even had business cards made in 2016 when I was deep in the midst of a year and half long recovery after major transition (again.) I read: Retried Professor….Emerging Artist.
I had no idea what that even meant.
I do write but mainly non-fiction. It’s not like I was someone that had talent drawing, painting, dance or playing an instrument but I always admired people that do.
Since making that business card I have told stories at open-mics, I’ve performed a Bollywood dance at a Diwali show, I even MC’d 2 shows and made my first painting and have reclaimed Fashion as a sacred form of expression.
My writing has also expanded. I became a reviewer for a theater blog and a deeply personal story about my relationship with my mother is being published in an Anthology.
All things I didn’t know I wanted but have brought me tremendous Joy.
A couple of months ago I had a pivotal moment.
I had a judgment that to desire performance, dressing up and bold expression were in conflict with my values of being a spiritual and family oriented person.
A lot of the work I do with my clients and myself is to move from the place of being torn to the place of possibility because I believe those "aching longings" are divine desires.
Meaning it's how God/the Universe wants to express through us and if we can look beyond the conflict the "soulution" shows up making the third way possible.
So for me, I was led to a sacred library where I learned the origin of theater.
In Greece performance was an offering of sacred beauty.
It wasn’t about getting attention it was about allowing divine expression to move through you for others to witness. It’s not performance but Prayer-formance.
Even as I write this to you my heart feels so expansive (a sign of truth.)
That truth spoke right to my heart and soul. I broke down in tears. It was like I found the holy grail…my insides no longer felt split.
Understanding the origin story relaxed my heart and mind and as always, invited in opportunity for a new experience.
Within one week a medicine theater class showed up on my Facebook; an Improv class aimed at bringing the sacred fool out of the shadow. The final show is a Prayer-formance (yes those are exact words used in the description)
What I love about this class is that it merges both my passions of divine connection and creative expression.
Our teacher even says “this is a fun process and it’s deep” (my magic words) what are yours?
When your soul is being spoken to it’s subtle. Usually 1 or 2 words stand out…so pay attention.
In one of my Improv scenes I had a Unicorn. The next day, I received an email from a South Asian Theater company that I had done a review for on a play about the Pakistan/India partition.
They were asking for auditions for their next play: Unicorns!
I call synchronicities Goddess winks…because to me signs are the language of the Divine Feminine Mystery.
So here I was on my way to the audition and “my fears” were coming out sideways by snapping my hubby.
So how does TuPac fit in to this story?
Well as an east coast girl, I’m really about Biggie but you kind of can’t avoid Tupac living in Cali.
One day on my way to the Redwoods for a hike (my grandmother medicine) I heard the song Dear Mama and it touched me so deeply. It’s all about a mom’s sacrifice.
People ask me how and why do I follow signs and take big risks like quitting my job, moving my family cross country and put myself out there and share the craziest things.
It’s because of this:
“Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their children than the unlived life of the parent.”
– Carl Jung
This is my Big Why.
Motherhood has been my biggest life initiation…it’s brought up all my fears, insecurities and wounds.
Particularly how so many of my choices in life revolved around trying to compensate for my own mother wound.
My mom sacrificed everything for my brother and I. Her dreams to be a doctor never happened and so I tried to unknowingly fulfill that dream for her.
But, we can’t live another person’s dreams….. it kills our soul.
That’s what my son’s premature birth taught me and I don’t take almost losing him in my womb because there was not enough nourishment lightly.
Seeing Tupac on that Billboard led me to listen to Dear Mama and reminded me of my why. …Guadalupe (Mexican Mother Mary) my Divine Mother just affirmed it for me.
No matter if I made the play or not, I already succeeded.
I got to show my son what it’s like to be a mama that doesn’t sacrifice her dreams and desires.
I also got to heal some deep wounds around a belief that it’s either family or passion.
I spent my whole childhood rejecting my passion for creativity. I could have gone to this audition alone but I wanted my family with me.
Interestingly enough, I made the final cut and the scene I had to read was about a woman that was rejected for her dream job. She was outside looking in and desperately wanted to be accepted.
I didn’t get the role and I am grateful.
Signs are not always leading you to what you want. If you take a step back and see the bigger play that is your life – the deeper reason of why you were guided will present itself.
I love that I didn’t get the part, it means I no longer identify as the rejected women trying to get in.
Instead, I found myself amongst a group of Indians that were both/and.
They were professionals with stable promising careers at Google, Facebook, Uber (this is Silicon Valley) and they were fully engaged in creative pursuits like acting, set design, play writing.
None of them were professionally trained but they were bringing art and beauty into the world and in significant ways. This playhouse has been around for 23 years! It totally obliterated my limiting beliefs.
One of the seasoned members is married to a Nicaraguan women for 23 years and they have 2 bi-racial daughters. This was #metoo in a glorious way being my son is half Peruvian – half Indian.
My whole life, I have felt like an outsider because I’ve always been a both/and, but the world around me has always been an either/or.
Either you are professional or an artist
Either you are good at Science/Math or are Creative
Either you are Practical or Woo-Woo
Either you are Traditional or a Rebel
Either you are Holy or Erotic
Either you are Loyal to your lineage or an Individualist
It feels so good to land in a place within where I no longer believe I have to choose between one or the other and my reality is reflecting that back to me more and more every day .
The key was allowing my desires to take the lead…. out of all the inner-work I have done this has been the most grounding tool for me. The other is saying NO to what doesn’t’ light my fire and yes to what does.
This in Essence is what I am passionate about helping women with and I call it:
The Unique Harmony Lifestyle ~
Balance, Belonging and Beauty from the inside out.
If you are feeling like there is a passion inside of you that wants to be explored/expressed but you have an inner-conflict or can’t access it, taking a step back and seeing the bigger story of your life creates possibility.
If you want clarity on "what" that is...sign up for a Clarity Call with me. I love sharing my gift of being able to help women tune into their heart and soul quickly and give a voice to their truest desires. As shared by one of the moms I've worked with:
"Dr. Sweta really has a gift when it comes to connecting with people. After just our second meeting, she was able to put into words what I was struggling to explain. Feeling understood and heard was the first step I needed. Dr. Sweta was able to recognize areas that I needed to nurture in myself faster than any therapist I saw. I feel sincerely grateful I found her."
The first step is clarity, the second is permission and the third is openness to possibility.
Action based on these steps allow for fulfillment and thats my hope for every mother.
You can sign up for a clarity call here.