Guilty for Wanting More
When I first left my full-time job to follow a dream (which was still unfolding) all I knew was that it included: family, traveling, writing and coaching.
We made it happen. We traveled to Peru, Spain, Thailand, Dubai, etc. At the same time, I worked on building my business, however, it did not feel good.
I always felt guilty like I was taking time away from my family and that reflected back at me via guilt trips from my hubby. I would go back and forth between this is amazing, I can travel and write and coach, to feeling crappy and bickering with my hubby.
I did not know it at the time but I was sabotaging myself because it was getting “too good.” Subconsciously, I felt like I was betraying my roots.
You see, I came from a hard working immigrant family where I learned that you have to work hard and earn success.
I was working, but none of it felt hard and the things I wanted were happening effortlessly while I was having fun.
For example, I went to visit the sister of a friend to deliver a package on a 2 month Spanish Riviera experience and I signed up a VIP international client (a relative of the friend we were visiting.)
On the outside I was happy and ecstatic but inside there was a voice that was saying “this is not how it’s supposed to be.” It's like I had one foot on the accelerator and the other on the break.
My "need" to suffer was holding me back.
I know this may sound crazy, but it is relatively common. I see people do this all the time and women especially have a problem with too much pleasure.
They finally meet the love of their life or have the baby they always dreamed about and suddenly something has to go wrong. Financial, health issues or relationship problems are a common one.
This happened to me and I had to take a huge step back and do some major inner-work to get back into alignment.
“The Big Leap” In the book by Gay Hendricks, calls this phenomenon an “upper-limit problem.”
Alignment for me meant I really believe, I am worth living life the way I want, and that I can have it all: my family, my passions, and inner and outer peace.
We went on our first travel experience since really naming that my passions, my divine work and my family life are not separate.
Not only did we not bicker once (this is a spontaneous road trip); uncertainty and the car had always been a dangerous environment for us.
On the trip, I have had plenty of focused time to express my passions for writing and sharing our journey on social media.
I even have had time to coach clients under a tree while my son plays with his father. I’ve also had space to practice my morning rituals (used to be a point of contention) while my man takes my boy for breakfast and returns with breakfast in bed (even a surprise to me.)
I want to share with you that this is the same man and circumstances, I didn’t find a new husband.
What changed was owning my needs, my rhythm and how I communicated them.
Here are the major things that I did and I would like to offer you:
1) Get clear on your desires. with my coaching clients, the most common issue is “not having enough time” and feeling lost or disconnected. As I help them connect to their heart and desires, they are always surprised at what their soul is asking for because it’s not where they have been putting their energy.
2) Know what makes you feel safe. Personally I didn’t know how much I needed a morning routine/ritual to ground me. This ranges from a 5 minute breathing exercise, to playing some mantra music to a 30-60 minute meditation. When I forgo this, I am on edge all day, which invites more Snafus in my work and family. What is that for you? It doesn't have to be meditation. Perhaps a walk, reading something inspirational, prayer, writing anything that helps you to feel rooted in your truth and being.
3) Create structure: When you have responsibilities aka you are an adult, time is truly of the essence. We just have no time to waste. However, so much time and energy gets wasted in making decisions and worrying. What’s for dinner? Fighting over chores, etc.
A clear schedule at the beginning of the week of who does what, what's for dinner or anything that tends to overwhelm you or your week and overthinking brain.
I used to schedule phone calls. Some friends got offended but I knew that I easily give my energy away and by scheduling a time to do this it helped me with boundaries and being in my own energy.
A schedule will create room for you to have time to fuel yourself. This time can be used for rest, exercise or creativity. All things you need to feel connected. But remember step number #1, you have to own your desires.
Most of my clients want freedom and think that a schedule will bind them (like I did) but what we are really looking for is freedom from our minds.
I have several tools on how to free the mind which you can access here.
The most common resistance I get around this is that it's external people and things that come in the way of owning desires. So read on.
4) Communicate your needs vulnerably: I truly believe the Universe wants you to be happy. However, with the social pressures in the world our needs often take a back seat in the name of being "good" and "responsible."
From my perspective, most tension in relationships comes from miscommunication and not being honest with ourselves. Often times it comes from not knowing our needs or fear that our needs are “wrong” or “too much.” Women often feel like they are a burden and so don’t express, “I need more rest or time to myself or a girls getaway or soul time.”
Vulnerability has been the biggest game-changer in my own relationship. If you are a very empathic/sensitive person, you may not realize that most people in your life are not mind readers like you are. So when they don’t get it, it’s not because they don’t want to. Sometimes we just need to get clear on what it is we REALLY want, how to express and most importantly to believe it’s okay to want.
The other thing to know is that you are not responsible for other people's happiness especially if you do things because it's "right" as opposed to it's kind and you want to.
Even your kids, no amount of extracurricular activities will help your kid if they have a burnt out, unhappy parent. You can't feed from an empty cup and so be willing to be needy and if the ones you love don't get it or are not supportive it may be how you are communicating or your beliefs that block the support.
I am very passionate about helping women feel worthy and happy to live the way they want for themselves and their family.
If you are ready to HAVE MORE or feel like you struggle and could use some support with connecting to your desire or how to express yourself, join my free FB group here where I offer regular FB lives and we jam on this topic and unique magical tools to have both/and.
Sending you Big Love,