You Love Your Family, But.....
I came from a family of hard-working immigrants. My parents sacrificed a lot for me. Because of them I have so many opportunities to not just survive but thrive. However, I felt so guilty anytime I would enjoy my life “too much.”
I remember when my husband and I went to Hawaii. There was a woman that was cleaning the resort. She looked kind of like my mother and it triggered me to think of how hard my mom worked. She would wake up at 5 am every day and even work on the weekends. She loved to travel, and thankfully in her final years she did get to travel. She even went to Hawaii but I still felt so guilty.
My mom had just past away and from my eyes, her life looked hard. It looked like a struggle.
Somehow, I had this unconscious belief that if I too struggled I was being in solidarity with my mom, whom I loved very much. I know it doesn’t sound logical because as a parent myself, all we want is for our children to be happy.
Many of you are probably like me – highly sensitive and empathic. No matter what things looked like on the outside, you probably felt the voids of your caretakers.
I discovered shortly after my son was born that I became a “doctor” a “scientist” because it was my mom’s dream. She never pressured me to study anything but I “picked” up unfulfilled desire and made it my own.
You too have probably picked up beliefs, desires, resentments, fears, sadness unfulfilled dreams from your parents and may think that it's yours. This leads you to feel things and make decisions that are out of alignment with your core truth.
When you are not in alignment, an internal rub begins to come forth. It creates a battle that is taking place in your heart, an inner anguish of integrity.
You may be experiencing emotions coming up that feel “wrong” – like anger, frustration, shame, etc.
No matter how much your try to contain it because you want to be respectful, it’s coming out sideways.
Perhaps you find yourself snapping at your child or your partner. Or perhaps you are having thoughts of telling your co-worker off.
This can create a lot of shame – especially if you are a spiritual or a religious person that aims to be kind and loving.
If you relate to this, I want to name something for you.
You have a truth that is different from what you know and what you were taught. A fear that if you embrace your truth – it would hurt the ones you love.
Further more, you don't trust that the world can handle you. It's too much truth and so you hide it. You learn to "keep the peace" but create an internal war.
If you are nodding yes, then you are likely suffering from the shackles of sacrificial loyalty.
Sacrificial loyalty means denying a part of your essence to stay familiar/comfortable.
Familiar comes from the word family.
Confusion of love being about loyalty is creating an inner betrayal.
Inner betrayal leads to a loss of self-trust and a feeling like it is not safe to BE you.
When you love your family but don’t want to live the way they did or your beliefs may vary a bit or a lot - it can feel like you are betraying your roots.
But you’re not.
You are just betraying a pattern that was inherited, that no longer serves you.
And if you have the courage to honor your truth, you will actually BE evolving your family.
Let me make this more tangible for you.
An example of this in my own life is the cultural belief that success has to do with hard work and will power.
This led me to being very “independent” and very controlling. Yes I had lots of accomplishments, but life felt hard. I felt like I had to do everything and that I was alone.
When I started to get curious about what I really believed - it was a different story.
My truth is that life is also magical and wants to support me but owning this meant betraying what I was taught and saw around me. The hard part was allowing myself to be vulnerable. I had to let others see my “neediness.”
It meant allowing myself to be supported and giving myself permission to have it easier than what I saw others experiencing.
Vulnerability is the hardest thing for a control freak.
What about you?
What parts of your essential self are you giving up to stay familiar even though they don’t serve you?
If this resonates and you would like to go deeper, I have a few opportunities to support you in doing so. Please Click Here to set up a free chat with me.
My deepest wish is for you is to Feel the Freedom of being Fully You and Loved for it.